The quality of the people around us will be determined not by the things we say out loud but by the things we tolerate. Recently, I had a conversation with someone about cheating. Specifically – would you stay friends with a person who cheats on his or her spouse? It was a question that made me pause, because in the past I did know explicitly about someone cheating on their partner and I stayed friends with this person. I was called out on that on a different occasion, because I was criticising someone else for cheating and judging their character based on that behavior. Irecognized that it was a blind spot for me, but when I thought about it deeply I came to the conclusion that I should not have maintained the relationship with the cheater in the first case. I was bothered by it at the moment, but I had let it go, justyfying it to myself somehow. I tolerated something that does not align with my values, and it felt wrong. The rationale here is pretty simple – if a person can lie so blatantly to someone they sleep next to every night and share their life with, what would stop them from lying to me, or betraying me for their personal gain? After this conversation I made a decision that I would not tolerate this kind of behaviour in my close circles any longer, because it speaks volumes about someone's character. The deed weighs more than any words.
This is just an example of tolerating behaviour that clearly doesn't align with my world-view. If I were to continue doing that in that situation or in any other, something would deteriorate inside of me, to the point where maybe I myself would find a way to justify this behaviour and think of it as acceptable, or even engage in it myself given the occasion. Because what we surround ourselves with affects the way we make decisions and the way we perceive the world. It is obvious on every level of analysis and cuts across many domains of life: finance, business, personal relationships, life habits, etc. When you are surrounded by people who have a very negative relationship with money, to give another example, it will be hard to stabilize your own financial situation. If the people around you are incapable of keeping their word, or making good choices regarding their health, chances are you will also be pulled in that direction. So shaping your social circle should be a very deliberate act that takes into consideration everything that is important to you.
It is not to say that you should cut people off if they experience some temporary issues with money, or they slipped in their dietary choices once, or they lost their way for a moment in some other manner – as long as someone is willing to keep trying, that is all that matters. The recognition of the slip is important, and the attempt to make it right. All the small actions and words that we might not perceive as important often corrupt us: constant complaining about everything, a victim mentality, lack of responsibility, lack of capacity to follow through on your own decisions – all of these should be the reason to indefinitely drift away from that person.
It was a rule in my personal life for many years but also today I have the luxury of being able to build a community in The Bamboo Body according to the standards that I personally adhere to. The standards are not so high fropm my point of view, actually, they are very basic, but they often are excessive in the eyes of many people. In the group I do not tolerate coming late, missing classes, lack of focus, lack of engagement, or slacking in the practice, and I am extremely explicit about it. For some people this can be too much, and that is fine – people are not used to it, because the default is usually to let those things go, deeming them as unimportant. But I have too much respect for myself, my time, my work, and my practice to allow this kind of behaviour in my vecinity. Some people might see it as snobbish – and they are right. As a friend of mine who is a professional (and succesful) piano player once said to me: "Becoming really good at something requires a certain level of snobbism." To be a good piano player you have to practice 8 hours a day, every single day. If you want that, you have no time for petty things – you need to keep sharp focus and filter everything that enters the little free time you can allow yourself. I see no reason to treat any other profession differently, if you respect yourself and the profession.
This is true for everything. More subtle things are usually harder to notice, but sometimes even the huge ones are not recognized for what they are. I had an experience with addiction earlier in life and it was crystal clear to me at some point – if I did not completely change my social circle, I would not quit. That was the first serious glimpse into this principle for me, and it came with a very vivid example. I realized that people who were in a similar situation but lacked the capacity to quit were getting extremely uncomfortable in my company; they always insisted on me getting drunk with them, and found all kinds of subtle ways to shame not my decision to quit, but my sobriety! This experience showed me that people who have no will power and no capacity to take responsibility for themselves will ALWAYS feel uncomfortable around someone who does. You can observe it on a smaller scale with food, which is extremely common: when you are on a diet, and you are having a meal at a restaurant with a friend who cannot control their eating, they will always try to lure you into eating something you are not supposed to. Simply because they feel bad doing it alone. Your behaviour in that moment holds up a mirror in which they see their own incapacity to restrain themselves and stick to their decisions. They feel bad about themselves in contrast to you, and it makes them want to pull you down and thus approve their rightful misery.
The communities we build reflect back on us. They shape our life more than we give it credit. We flock into groups with people who share certain characteristics: interests, shared goals, a vision of reality. Most times it is accidental, but for someone who truly wants to live a good life it is imperative to put effort into building a community deliberately, vetting the people we spend our precious time with. I want to shape my environment in a way that fosters the side of me that is directed towards growth and discovery. This part is easily hijacked by surrounding yourself with the wrong people. We all have a tendency to slip – a part of ourselves always pulls us away from the direction we intend to go – and it requires constant vigilance. Having good support on this watch post is extremely important. So yes, when you make a decision to take the reins of your life and finally move forward, many people will not understand and will try to bring you down to their level, instead of elevating themselves alongside you. And this is the moment when you need to let go. Because what you tolerate around you determines who you become more than anything else.